I once saw self-esteem as the holy grail of mental health—a simple metric that separated the flourishing from the suffering.
I learned this lesson early in my psychiatry career. Whenever patients came to me feeling lonely, depressed, or anxious, I could often trace their source of suffering back to low self-esteem.
In the consultation room, they looked depleted and defeated, as if a black hole were sucking the joy and meaning from their lives. They would sink into my office chair, shoulders curved inward like wilting flowers, their voices barely rising above whispers as they confessed their perceived worthlessness.
They lamented how useless, damaged, or worthless they felt. Some of them even contemplated ending their lives. Those who didn’t believed they were trapped in perpetual misery with no way out.
For these types of people, I told them, “The way you see yourself is contributing to your depression, anxiety, or loneliness. The solution is to change how you think about yourself so that you can have more confidence to overcome your difficulties.”
At that time, I believed that boosting self-esteem was the key to healing. Studies show that people with high self-esteem tend to be cheerful, have strong social support, and stay motivated in life. They are optimistic and see the world as their oyster.
It seemed obvious: Cultivating self-esteem was the way to lift people out of misery.
Then came the patients who shattered my neat theory about self-esteem. These people were also depressed, anxious, or suicidal, but they didn’t complain about feeling damaged, worthless, or hopeless.
When they came into the consultation room, they declared a variation of: “I can’t stand other people because they’re so stupid,” or “I become so depressed because people are jealous of me,” or “Why can’t they be as good as me?”
Their bluntness often caught me off guard.
Unlike those with low self-esteem, these patients exuded an air of superiority. They walked into the consultation room as if they held the power to fire me on the spot. I became more self-conscious around them because I knew one misstep could turn their anger toward me, and “the stupid people” could quickly escalate into “the stupid doctor.”
But here’s what struck me the most:
These people didn’t have low self-esteem. They knew their strengths, and some even excelled in their fields. Their talents had placed them at the top of the socioeconomic ladder. They were what society called the cream of the crop, yet they were still deeply unhappy.
At one point, a realization struck me with surprising clarity: The way we think about self-esteem is wrong.
When High Self-Esteem Fails
Before going further, let's define self-esteem.
Self-esteem is essentially how we evaluate our worth. Do we see ourselves as good and valuable, or unworthy and irredeemable?
The idea that we need to have high self-esteem to be psychologically healthy is so widespread that we are terrified of doing anything that might endanger it.
Parents indiscriminately shower their children with constant praise and compliments to the point of nausea. Teachers are encouraged to give all their students gold stars so that each can feel proud and special.
When children make mistakes, the parents and teachers shift the blame to something or someone else—the other sibling, the other friend, or the wall the children bumped into. We say, "Poor my baby. It’s not your fault. It’s the wall. Let me hit it back for you." We also avoid giving critical remarks to our kids because we don’t want them to grow up with “damaged self-esteem” and then blame us when they end up in a therapy room.
This obsession with self-esteem led to an explosion of self-esteem programs in schools, communities, and mental health facilities.
In 1986, the State of California funded a program called the Task Force on Self-Esteem and Personal and Social Responsibility. The reasoning was that raising the self-esteem of California’s children would decrease problems such as bullying, crime, teen pregnancy, drug abuse, and academic underachievement.
But the task force failed miserably to prove their point.
Rather than acknowledging flaws in their theory, the task force insisted they didn’t need evidence because they were already convinced that low self-esteem was the root of major social problems.
Other influential reviews of self-esteem literature also concluded that high self-esteem did not improve academic achievement, job performance, or leadership skills, nor did it prevent children from smoking, drinking, bullying, taking drugs, and engaging in early sex.
You heard it right. High self-esteem doesn’t solve social problems.
In most bullying cases, the perpetrator most likely doesn’t have low self-esteem but an excess of it.
Think of Regina George from Mean Girls. She has everything a girl could wish for—privilege, beauty, and popularity—but she’s also manipulative, entitled, and cruel. She would be the kind of person you hope never to cross at school. Would we say Regina George has low self-esteem? No. If anything, her inflated self-worth fuels her behavior to become THE mean girl.
Like Regina George, people with high self-esteem are often reported to engage in socially undesirable behavior. They tend to be cliquish, prejudiced, and have poor emotional regulation.
These people are more likely to feel threatened when they see others occupy the space they feel is important. Any feedback can be easily construed as an insult, causing them to lash out and put others down to protect their self-image. They’re not fun to be around because they constantly seek validation, needing others to reflect their worth through praise and compliments.
You’ve probably recalled someone peculiar who ticks all the boxes.
Maybe it’s the friend who lashes out over a harmless joke that touches on their “uniqueness.” Or that one boss who can’t go a single meeting without reminding everyone, “I’m the only one in this department with two master’s degrees.” Like... Okay, what do you want us to do with that information? Summon people from the grave to give you a standing ovation?
The Real Problem: Contingent Self-Worth
The issue isn’t whether we have high or low self-esteem—it’s where we derive it from. Self-esteem becomes problematic when we excavate it from external sources.
When we derive self-esteem from external sources, we only see ourselves as worthy when we attach our value to job titles, beauty, social media followers, achievements, community status, or even our perception of God’s love.
Psychologists describe this phenomenon as “contingent self-worth,” a self-esteem that rises and falls based on success, failure, approval, or rejection.
However, these external sources of self-esteem are ephemeral.
If they get threatened, our self-esteem will crumble. Hang your worth on your prestigious job, and you will be shattered if your job evaporates into oblivion. Hook your value on your relationship status, and you’ll spiral if it ends. Having contingent self-esteem can feel like a wild ride—our mood swinging from elation one moment to devastation the next.
The psychological concept of contingent self-worth finds a profound parallel in our spiritual lives. Just as we might stake our self-esteem on achievements or appearance, we unconsciously create a contingent relationship with Allah.
We oscillate between feeling worthy of Allah's love when we pray regularly or give charity and feeling utterly abandoned when we falter.
This mirrors what psychologists call the ‘‘performance trap’’—where we believe we must earn love through perfect performance. However, Allah’s love is not contingent on our deeds. Ibn Ata’illah warned:
If you find yourself having less hope in God when you make a mistake, then realize you are only relying on your work, not on God’s mercy.
Our deeds are not a ticket to "deserving" or "earning" Allah’s mercy and bounty. It’s a matter of relying on God’s mercy and bounties to receive them despite our shortcomings. It’s all about recognizing our inherent worthiness for His mercy despite our weaknesses.
However, turning to God and hoping for His mercy must be accompanied by repentance from our mistakes and errors. Hope is not equivalent to wishful thinking. It must be accompanied by effort, although our hope for Allah’s mercy is not dependent on it.
Secure Pathway of Self-Esteem
Although problems are associated with the pursuit of high self-esteem, high self-esteem is not bad in and of itself. High self-esteem still becomes the key ingredient for people to feel worthy and valuable.
However, there are two distinctions in self-esteem: secure and insecure self-esteem.
Secure self-esteem, what psychologists call "genuine self-esteem," doesn't fluctuate with daily successes or failures. It’s like a deep-rooted tree in which the strong winds might bend its branches, but they won't uproot it.
People with secure self-esteem can acknowledge their flaws without shame and celebrate their successes without arrogance. They are more open to feedback and criticism without feeling that people are trying to tear them down.
They're more likely to maintain healthy relationships, show genuine empathy, and pursue growth-oriented goals rather than validation-seeking ones. They can say, "I messed up" without concluding, "I am a mess." This subtle distinction makes all the difference.
Prescription
The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.
—Carl Rogers
The path to secure self-esteem paradoxically begins with accepting that our worth isn't something to be earned but rather recognized.
We learn from the intersection of spiritual wisdom and psychological insight that self-worth built on external validation, whether worldly or even religious, remains fragile. True stability comes from accepting our inherent worth as a valuable creation of Allah while putting our reliance on His mercy and continuously working on self-improvement.
Our worth isn't earned through deeds and achievements but is inherent in our creation.
We cherish the different parts of ourselves—the beautiful, the magnificent, the fragile, the imperfect, and the broken. Success and failure come and go, but neither defines nor determines our worthiness. Our deeds are an expression of servanthood—an amalgam of hope, mercy, and gratitude—not a ticket to buy a special place in Jannah.
We recognize the messiness of being human because we can be both a masterpiece and a work in progress.
Key Takeaways
Self-esteem isn’t a magic fix – I used to think boosting self-esteem was the cure for depression and anxiety, but I learned that both low and high self-esteem can come with serious problems.
Too much self-esteem can backfire – Some of the most difficult, arrogant, and even aggressive people actually have high self-esteem. They don’t struggle with self-worth—they struggle with feeling too superior.
Chasing external validation is a trap – If your self-worth is tied to achievements, looks, or social approval, you're setting yourself up for emotional whiplash. Lose any of those things, and your confidence crumbles.
God’s love isn’t performance-based – Many people unconsciously believe they need to earn Allah’s love through perfect behavior, but true faith is about trusting in His mercy, not just our own efforts.
The best self-esteem is steady and secure – Real confidence isn’t about thinking you're better than others or chasing approval. It’s about knowing your worth stays the same no matter what happens.
I’m curious: Do you know someone with secure self-esteem? Someone whose confidence isn’t shaken by external validation or criticism? How do they navigate their daily interactions? Share their stories in the comments below. I’d love to hear yours!
I never looked at it this way, thank you for giving me a new and better perspective. ❤️
Yes! “The best self-esteem is steady and secure – Real confidence isn’t about thinking you're better than others or chasing approval. It’s about knowing your worth stays the same no matter what happens.”